#TheSundayPost XII | Sometimes sorrow interrupts our lives and disrupts our days

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Are we ever ready to say “goodbye” to someone we love?

I never thought I’d be blogging about the loss of a cat

during the year I felt couldn’t surprise me anymore

with unexpected stress and a multitude of adversities.

In regards to my life behind the blog:

You might have already noticed my long absences online this Summer — some of which I’ve already addressed, and other notations of those absences were meant to be blogged about during #TheSundayPost but were never fully conceived nor written to be shared officially. I’ve done a lot of thinking this year about what I want to blog about but actually being able to sit down and BLOG those thoughts has been something else entirely. Sometimes our intentions to do something is more powerful than the ability to achieve them. In my defence, this is my second year of working full-time but my first year of working two full-time jobs; one by day, one by night. It has literally taken all the energy and stamina I never thought I could muster to maintain both and unfortunately hasn’t always lent a way for me to have downtime away from work.

Which of course only partially explains my absences this year, but for now, I want to focus on something else — something that has been weighing on my heart and soul for over a week now. As despite the adversely difficult September which presented two migraines and a sea of anxiety towards the end of the month where weather could have affected my life moreso than it did — I was not quite prepared for October to ring in a season of deep sorrow and soul-crushing grief.

When I was twenty-six we adopted our four lovely cats – three were tabbys and one was a tuxedo. I never knew which of them would outlive the others nor if they might pass together as well. It turns out one of the tabbys died very young and a second followed quite tragically due to Cancer. Those passings were as arduously difficult as any loss I’ve experienced with my pets and animals over the years and it was equally hard because we still had two cats who were living with their own grief and sorrow as well from the passing of their family members. They were from three litters but all of them were bonded as a family and were dearly beloved by all of us as much as they were to each other.

When our cats turnt 18 and 17 this year respectively, we knew that time might not be on our side as most cats we’ve had in the past never lived this long. They made it to 16 or 17 but never to 18. Yet, the one who recently passed had so much spunk, so much energy and so much JOY for life – it seemed like despite the fact he was partially blind, partially deaf and was slowing down just a smidge in his elder years, we thought he might carry-on for quite awhile longer! Especially since he never stopped eating or drinking water, loved to sit in the sunlight and would bound round the house like he was a newbourne kitten and not an elderly cat over 90 years!

He fell quite ill on Thursday and though he started to rally that Friday (of last week) by the 8th of October, we were saying goodbye and letting him go before he would start to suffer from his illness. The hardest part of course was realising the key difference from his passing and the others is how integrated he was into our lives. The other cats were always present but this particular cat was EVERYWHERE all the time. If you opened a door, he’d go through it. If you brought home groceries, he was inspecting the bags. If you folded laundry, he would sit on it. If you were in the kitchen, he’d ask for a snack and if you were sitting on the sofa watching tv — he would most likely use your legs as a bridge to jump into his own chair beside you! There are so many small gestures of his presence which started to haunt us soon after his passing that it became a very emotional and heart-clutching week for us as a family.

Our beloved tuxedo is the sole survivor of the siblings now. We didn’t want to introduce another cat after a moment of pause and mourning because at 17 years old, we knew it would be too hard on her and on us. And, yet, in the back of our minds we knew it took her a full year to move past the loss of our other boy cat who was the first to pass. She had a crush on him and they were the closest out of the four except for the one who recently passed this week. On that front, she’s showing signs of anxiety and panic attacks as well as moments where we know she’s looking for him and questioning where he’s gone and why he hasn’t yet returnt home. It is hard to watch her go through this as much as it is for us to reconcile our own hearts and battered souls.

This year has been far more adverse than the past several years and in particular, despite the heaviness of 2020 and 2021, for me and my family, 2022 just feels like a massively hard year all round. I feel that is reflective on my blog – of how hard I’ve had to fight just to ‘come back’ from moments of inactivity because my heart and my mind just weren’t aligned properly to continue. And, now, unfortunately as I try to blog my thoughts and feelings tonight — I’m at a loss as to explain how I’m just not ready to carry-on again and more forward as I felt I could back in August.

My emotions are still evermore present and that is partially because the day my cat died is the night I had to go back to work. I didn’t take the night off as I knew I couldn’t afford to lose the hours and blessedly my boss understood and spent the night distracting me as there were moments where emotionally I was beyond drained and mentally, I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to even be at work at all. I was grateful beyond measure for their understanding but also their ability to help me get through a very difficult night all round. Since then, I only took off a partial day shift and continued to work both during the day and maintain my night job as well. Looking back – that might not have been the wisest course of action because it didn’t allow me the breathing space to grieve and of course, concurrent to all of this there have been instances of stress involving my Dad, too. (see also #TheSundayPost from February)

I’d like to say the days are getting easier as I move and shift through my sorrow but some days/nights I feel as if it were just yesterday and I’m reliving it all again. I know that’s normal but some days are just harder than others and I know if you’ve gone through something similar, you know what that feels like yourself. Meanwhile, we’re doing everything we can for our lovely Tux. Including re-arranging our day schedules and sorting out what her needs are right now and working towards resolving her own grief with a lot of love, patience and attentive care.

IF your new to my blog, you might be interest in these posts where I talked about my past losses: Two Years, Two Cats as well as You’re never quite prepared to say, “Good-bye”,…

In regards to my blog and readerly life:

As the title eludes, sometimes sorrow interrupts our lives and disrupts our days,… which explains the situation I feel I am inside right now. Especially since I hadn’t realised an audiobook I requested through NetGalley was approved and my subscription to Scribd renewed over a week ago despite the fact I had it placed on ‘pause’ whilst Canva somehow didn’t renew on time either. My Inbox is stuffed and I’ve missed a few blog tours this month as well. Time just STOPPED. As it tends to do with your heart is full of grief and the weight of loss is a crushing load your carrying round. I know I’ll start to sort out where I am again with my reading queues — whilst all is not ever lost when it comes to things we forgot about or things we misplaced whilst we found a way to breathe and heal and recover.

I just personally feel overwhelmed as there were other stressors in play ahead of my cat’s illness and passing which were either just being resolved or had been lived through all the same. Sometimes you do question how much stress you can shoulder at any given time and 2022 has definitely proven that too much is never the actual question but rather, will you let it break you or will you continue to find the resolve to get through it all? The latter of course is my response – I’m one of those people who keeps trying to see the positive despite the hurdles and obstacles life likes to throw onto her path. I’m also fiercely determined never to feel defeated and to find a new way to begin anew after life feels especially adverse and wrong-footed.

I had planned to make small steps back into blogging — which is why I booked the blog tours and why I was requesting a few reviews here or there. I knew I had to go at a slower pace but gosh I just never saw myself saying goodbye to my cat this October and I just feel like the whole experience just blindsided my emotions and took away all the energy I had saved to sort out my reading queue and the state of my blog. Hence why I’ve been GONE again and remiss even on Twitter. Sometimes I just feel like I have to step away and let time heal whatever has happened.

On that note, #SpooktasticReads begins on the 19th of October and #SciFiMonth is coming up starting on 1st of November. I’ve decided to scale back what I originally was going to be doing for #SpooktasticReads and soak into the stories I think I can handle reading or listening to right now vs the ones I was going to encourage myself to attempt this year for the event. I completely missed the final hours of #SelfPubFanMonth and never had the chance to wrap-up that event or #WyrdAndWonder from May — both of which I’ll be knitting into my posts for #SpooktasticReads as it is an extension of our main event and a good way to give a nod to our 6th Year in May, 2023.

In regards to the blog tours and/or review stories I’ve received — I’m going to attempt to get into those as well but it might take me longer to finish them than originally expected. I find my attention wanders a bit more than usual and sometimes I don’t even know what I can handle reading which is why I’ll try to update my progress again starting this coming week during my #WWWWednesdays.

All I know is this — I MISS reading and I MISS blogging but I have to continue to be kind to myself and realise that sometimes we also have to allow ourselves to have the space to grieve and recover from an emotionally traumatic event and that is currently where I find myself now. Striving to take things slower and simply go ‘day to day’ and feel good about whatever I can do or accept the things I cannot do. There is hope of course knowing there are seasons we must go through and each of us has to find our own way through them. I know my cat is in a better place and I know he’s free now of what caused his illness but emotionally I’m just not yet through the sorrow and grief his passing has given me and my family.

Although this is more of a life update than a readerly one,

Kindly read through my archives for #TheSundayPost

{Sources: Blog graphics created in Canva: #TheSundayPost banner as well as the Poetry of Sorrow banner and the Comment Box banner.}

Copyright © Jorie Loves A Story, 2022.

I’m a social reader | I share my bookish life via Twitter:

Emotionally this was a hard #TheSundayPost to compose because of what my family & I have been going through this past week; I wasn't sure whom to tag either as it's not about reading but life and how sorrow interrupts our lives and disrupts our days

💜😿https://t.co/xEfHjqQkxm pic.twitter.com/R3x58jCmY7

— Jorie Story 📖🎧 (@joriestory) October 17, 2022

The outpouring of support & encouraging notes via Twitter truly warmed my heart:

I’m so sorry for your loss, Jorie. Cats are family in my home, and their passing leaves grief to remind us how much we love them.

— Christine Garrison (@ecgarrison) October 17, 2022

I’m thinking about you are this difficult time. So sorry for your loss.

— Edale Lane (@EdaleLane) October 17, 2022

So sorry for your loss! That’s heartbreaking and I’m sending you all the virtual hugs 🤗 Grief is so different for everyone and every time, but I think you’re doing amazing to keep going one day at a time. Hope you find encouragement and support every day where you need it 💜💜

— Jennifer Silverwood (@JennSilverwood) October 17, 2022

So very sorry for your loss, Jorie – and that you’re having to cope with so much work pressure at the same time (though nice to know your boss at the night job helped distract you and get you through the hours.) What a very difficult time. Thinking of you. 🤗🤗

— Clare Chase (@ClareChase_) October 18, 2022